Monday, February 15, 2016


You know that feeling, when you're stuck between being someone else, remaining you, or just exiting the earth scene? This can be depressing. Chimamanda (in AMERICANAH) has avoided this. For her, depression in Nigeria is strange. I had agreed with her until I read the piece below.

Karen Bitto is a student of Law, Benue State University, Makurdi. Her write-up is one which is bound to pull out one in a state anhedonia without clinical requirement(s). Go on!

"I planned on writing a motivational piece with the usual "believe in yourself" summary, but I decided against that and decided to go with my own story and not the norm. 

Right from time immemorial, I've always felt imperfect, I never was skinny, not light-skinned, I never had the straight legs or full hair. I was more of the dork.. Always have and always will be,you know; Glasses, Buck teeth, scanty hair, very chubby, bow legged, I pretty much was the DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). I never really fit in any where I went and like a sore thumb I always stood out, not because of the good but because of my not so conventional looks...That really affected my view of myself and the world around me. Plus the comments didn't help either, I mean I couldn't go a day without being called "Four eyes", "Fatty", "Smigol"(from Lord of The know he's hairless) and a host of other mean names. It got so bad, I actually contemplated suicide. 

Turning to the TV I could only see perfect models and entertainers, in reality I had my perfect mom and sister (not throwing shade and I love you both so much), in school all the cool girls were picture perfect and then there I was.. The blob of nothingness. 

My turning point didn't come in the form of some inspirational, motivational speaker or something, but rather after four stages of self destruction turned discovery. 

1. Anger; I was mad at myself, my parents, everything around me that was seemingly perfect.

2. Despair; When I saw that anger got me no where, I started despairing. 

3. Depression; From despair came depression. The period where I became so downcast so much so I started cutting myself just to have a get away from reality. But then I realized that was getting me no where, I mean the "perfect" people forever remained perfect, while I hurt myself. That's when the reality hit me like a high speed train, and the final stage came 

4. Acceptance; I knew I could never be as skinny as I'd love to be, I'd never have the perfect hair or legs or anything and rather than counting my imperfections, I decided to find good in me. I mean nothing could be 100% bad even snakes are good, Tiv people eat them (no offense Tiv brothers and sisters), so I knew there was good in me and I began discovering my talents; I could talk, dance, write, my grades weren't so bad and a whole lot of other things... That was good enough. So rather than killing myself because I never had the outward package.. I decided to build on what I did have. And that's what has kept me going till today. Yes a times I still cringe when I look at the girl in the mirror, but I don't need to die cos I don't look like the girl on TV or something. I am perfect being me. Probably she can't address a crowd like I can and that's something to be proud of. 

What's the point y'all may ask? Point is.. Be happy being you. Develop what's good in you and don't ever wish to be someone else. There's something you're good at,that they aren't good at. Sooooo. Yeah I'm still chubby, I still have bow legs, scanty hair, buck teeth and I still use glasses. But that's what makes me.. ME.. And I wouldn't want to change that and though I don't 100%love the girl in the mirror, I've learned to live with her and accept her for who she is. A talented, exceptional and gifted 'DUFF'"

So what do you say?

2 remarks:

Anonymous said...

You see, moat of us never see the other side to life. We tend to see just the outset thereby forgoing the inner spirit. I loved it. Keep it burning, KB.

Nda Nahami said...

I should bookmark this site. You have cool stuff.